'I just don't care anymore....!' tells a former 'Yes! wo-man'

I say 'No!'
But I have always said 'Yes!' and emphatically so.
 
We say, 'Oh, but it's easier to just say yes and get on with it!'

Well, I have heard this phrase so many times I could make a daisy chain. In fact, I have probably thought it more than I have said so, however no more, I am indignantly saying No, clearly and categorically, unless pressed politely, between two slices of lime in a gin glass, then I may pontificate on the why.

So, why do we say, yes?
We juggle more than is necessary to complete this request, setting ourselves up for a fall, or if not a hop, skip and jump, beware the dodgy hips face first into a bigger pickle, jar of.

We care, what people think of us and do not want to shatter the illusion we have so carefully wound around ourselves, either to hide behind, to create a brave facade or just to again, please someone, our parents, our significant other. Not to leave out the significant other, who may be subtly controlling, gas-lighting us into submission.

And yes reader, I married him. The denouement reads... I am content, have a new life, in a brave new world and I am generally ballsy, a 60 year old, who does everything for herself, puts herself first and considers only herself. The old Me, which was 20 years in the making, has gone and after another 40 years experience, (35 of which as a wife),  I am, well...  I just, Am.

I don't just shut everyone and everything down in a blaze of, sneered lip, curled chins, and dismissal, yet now often ask myself, 'But do you really want to do this, go there, attend that, get out of bed early to see this.?'

And yes, my circle of friends and acquaintances, former colleagues, has diminished, either my sell by date was up, or theirs'. I do tend to withdraw, when I feel marginalised, out of my comfort zone or if dictated to, which makes me physically baulk/gag, or unconsulted, (is that even a word, see the pedants won't like my attitude!)  and why not, I like my own home, I am not lonely anymore, how many times have you been lonely whilst married, at a busy party, out with friends or family.

If I CBA, (can't be arsed) I don't bother, I would rather, walk the dogs, listen to music, read a book, do something creative...drink gin with a pal, TBH lately, even solo, 'cos well, why the hell not?  I am not being anti-social per se, yet I have felt this washing over me for the last 6 months or so. The only thing that feels different about turning 60, is the sense of self awareness, in that I am free, one might say I always have been, not so, as in a state of mind,  I haven't often felt it. The legacy of being a daughter, a wife, a mother, on a few levels never leaves' and actually not much else matters in the same way of responsibility, so as those roles have all fallen away, like a shedding of skins, I'm left with, finding myself to be a full blown grown up, enfin, who has unilaterally earned the title at last. I now am able to be me perhaps, that the apprenticeship has been served, the knowledge acquired and I have graduated, now I finally feel able to resolutely give a fuck, about just me.

Frankly my dears, I just don't give a damn. And I am loving the hell out of it.

Saz x